been a long time

so. i went thru chemo agaain. since last post. it did spread to my lung. theres nada to do for me. km just living life. im gonna do the vitamin c shot stuff and hope that helps. i did what i wantes to repeat from my 1st post. too bad everything changed. sucks for me. wish i could go back in time.

vent.

what if i never went to the doctors to get everything checked? what if i didnt do chemo? what if i didnt do radiation? what if i didnt have to go thru any of this. would the cancer spread? would i be dead? what if..? sometimes i sit in my bed & wonder.. wtf is happenning & wtf am i gonna do when it comes back. if my margins werent negative. if my lung has cancer all in it? and i have to go thru chemo? or sit and die? what? i just started to grow my hair. its a relief. but if i have to do it. i will just die. my whole life will collapse. i want my hair long. i want to not go thru this again. i want to be a regular teenager in school enjoying life instead of hospitals, and doctors, and pain, and no self confident, when can i go out without my hair, ash? when will i just not care. i dont get it.

..

so radiation ended last week, yaay :)! im almost caught up on all my chapters in school, so i might be able to get back there for a bit.. but i'm kinda scared. i mean, i have hardly hair. & if i wear a hat, ugh. i just dont want people to judge me. :/. i'm really insecure about that. my doctor said after surgery i might need more chemo, which totally harshes my mood. i just started growing my hair back too. thats all i'll need. :( but i shall see what the future holds for me.

i'm sad. my mom said i can't go to school.. haahha. like that'll happen.

uhm.

radiation sucks, & i'm getting really fed up driving in a car for one hour, then go through for one hour then come back for another hour drive. it sucks so bad. i been going TO radiation for 4 weeks now, i don't know how much more i can deal with this. but i got news, after radiation ends, i'll have 4-5 weeks before anything, which means: I'M GOING TO SCHOOL THEN! so yeah. from a group, i got a new laptop & ipod and bunch of gifts, i love it to much, & i couldn't thank them any more! so yeah.. thanks for everything & all the ladies helping me & caring!

&formspring.

if you want to ask me anything your intereseted in: formspring.me/ashxoreich. i try to answer as best as i can.

tommorow will be a week going in radiation, so far its made me really tired, weak, & not hungry AT ALL! i havent been hungry for 5 days. this can be scary. i think. i been doing my school work, & proud of myself for doing some. i wannna go back to school, now!