lalala

i did chemo again, for the second time. & basiclly the same stupid stuff. but whatevvvs. i guess i'm not a blogger, since i can't keep with it. but i'll try. so chemo didn't do anything. pretty upsetting. my hair is mostly gone. i still have hairs that survived & still ar growing. lmfao. ginger hair is stronggg:). i have a wig cut, & it's really nice, so thats good. lalala.. oh. i have to do radiation for 5 days a week for 5 weeeks. then surgery. then hopefully my cancer doesnt spread 'cos radiation & surgey can do that. then i heal & hopefully go back to la eascuela that i miss soooo much! for radiation, i have tatoos on me now, 5 little black freckles, i guess.. & thats where radiation beams will hit me everyday. radiation is really scary, cus it can cause growh defects, infertlity, & serious crap like that. which... i obvi don't wannahave. Of couse, i'm gonnna feel sick & gay all the time. "FAKE AND GAY!" anyways.. im up. should be in bed. but not. all alone. help. this writting sucks.. i should be in bedd.

READ THE ONES BELOW. this is part III.

....thanks dad. i hope your reading this so you can get mad & i can beat you up, bald headed, man boob, stupid head! KK, so then afterward he made me do it again & again. (if i didnt meantion, since my memory sucks, this is the fifth day) & then my dad made me take a shower, but i finallly passed a stoool! then i got undressed slowly & got soo dizzy, then being dizzy, i put all my clothes back on, call my dad in the bathroom, make him bring me something to puke in, & then i do my business, & you would figure, after all that stress i wanted to lay down, but NO the bald head made me take a bath. so i had to put a aquaguard on my port, which is this thing in my skin for all my chemo to go straight to my heart & pump into my veins.. i guess. & that thing was like tape & trying to takee it off was like a bandaid, & hurt so badd! ugh. stupid thing. so yeah, then my dads girlfriend came, brought my auntie annes pretzels i craved. THIS WAS MY FIRST PIECE OF FOOD IN 6 DAYS since i had to fast before my surgery for my port too. then my dads cousin jeff, which i call cousin jeff too came & i started to eat slowly & walk without getting dizzy & hydrating myself, so since i did a "stool" ,lol, i could go home. who thought that ppoop could be so important?! ahah. so i came home @ like 11, & my sister greeted me & her boyfriend since i havent seen them cus i was sleeping & acted crazy when they did visit. & my ferret sniffed me all over & licked me & immediatly started playing cus i came home. i'lll tell you when i came home stories & other things later cus my thumbs are killing me. but wait! when i went into chemo i was 108 pounds, comming out i was 97. 11 pounds in 6 days. not good. not good....

READ ONE BELOW FIRST. this is part II

... makes you smell everything as this pugent, nasty ass smell that you couldn't believe. & with all the dissiness & nausea & vomiting you dont wanna eat period. SO ANYWAYS, (i get off topic so much, must be my immigrant blood) the fourth daay.. yeah, i sleep & wake up at night needing to go the the bathrrom, so i go, get up, & get so dizzy, & fall down hard on my butt. cus i guessed i blacked out. then my mom storms in the bathrroom helps me up, & puts me in my bed. i feel nauses, & feel like i have to puke so i grab the vomit bucket & puke my guts out. then i feel alot better, & my mom brushed my teeth in my bed. lol. then i feel horrible again, go to sleep, & get woken up. OH YEAH! these nurses dont let me freaking sleep! they take my blood pressure & temperture every, like, couple hours! listen to this crap: i fall asleep, get woken up @ 4 in the morning every night for 'vitals' which is the blood pressure & tempeture. Then they wake me up every morning at 7 for them again. omg, its crazy. i get so fed up. & if im trying to make up this sleep loss & nap, they still wake me up! at this point, you would want to become a mass-murderer, in my case, chuckie, & kill them! ANYWAYS, (there goes my puerto rican immigrant blood again going off-topic) alright, so my mom leaves by the fifth day, & my bald headed of a dad comes in & tells me i have to walk around, so i can go poop, cus the nurses wont let me out untill i can hydrate myself, & pass a stool. OH, if you didnt know, i learned this from hospital stays, a stool is basiclly poop. like, idk whhy they call it that, or name it that. weird. like, when before i started this hospital stuff i would think if someone said stool, it would be the thing people stand on to reach things. but now, thanks to demented hospitals making me sick, when someone says stool, i think of poop. OKAY, back to my shiny headed dad. he basiclly came into the hospital, making me work. he made me get up & made me walk to the other side of the room, & then i got so dizzy & had to lay down.......

sorry it's been so long.

well last time since i posted it was about school & other stuff. well, lemme tell you what happened :D. i had chemo. & im gonna explain this. i take rounds of chemo. & each cycle for me is 3 weeks, then i go back for another round. i stay in the hospital for about 3 days & got shoot up with my drugs. Haha. but i stay more if needed. for me, it was. The first night i got chemo, was perfectly fine, no disiness, nausea, vomiting, the reuglar symptons & i got really happy cus i thought i wasn't gonna have any of that horrible crap. guessed wrong. the second day, i was fine, just dissy when i got up, & a bit naussis. see, i can't take pills cus i'm retarted & when i to take medications orally, it has to be nasty liquids that make my mouth disgustin flavored. nasty, right. anyways, i couldn't get up cus i would get dizzy, & see blocks and black then need to lay down. i only got up to go pee, which was red cus of the chemo. lmao. & all the meds make you not go poop. haha. okay, i think by the third day, i slept all day, literally. When i went to sleep @ night, i didnt wake up untill the next night. so like 24 hours. Get it or nah? but when i slept all day, my family said i acted crazy cus of this meds these docs gave me. i twisted & turned in my bed, & did death stares. lmfaoo! but when i woke up @ night, i was in the bathroom, standing, my mom on my side, & throwing up in the toilet. i dont remember even walking there. all i remember is trying to go to the bathroom& my mom yelling at me saying what are you doing trying to pee in the trashcan, cus i was opening the lid of it & then i go black & wake up standing over the toilet throwing up. gaaaaaay! & my mom said it was so much. fun way to wake up too. okay.. fourth day, i wakke up i guess..& do nothing. i remmeber trying to walk around in the hospital with my mom, then i got so dizzy, & i remember trying to walk back to my room, then i dont remember a thing untill i wake up later that day. & this whole time i'm not eating, cus chemo makes... (new post ran out of room)

FML

today, i went to school finally. it has been a week. i was so excited to see everyone, you have no idea. But as 8 period was ending i realized how much i am gonna miss everybody. school and the social time is heaven to me. now i'm gonna miss it until the end of the year. & i'm so pissed,sad, and so much other emotions because of this. i'm gonna be homebound, & my teachers coming to my house and teaching me. it's so bad. i hate life. see, chemo kills all your good cells too, & my immune system will be VERY low. & get sick very easily, which means if i go to school, i could catch some serious things.... oinkoink. (catch mah drift? [probably not]) anyways, the point is, my life sucks right now. sucks so bad. i loved my classes & now i can't even go to them, or visit time to time. whatever. i'm so mad. bye.

..

i went back to the hospital today. found out a lot of scary stuff. i have a synovial sarcoma and it's pretty big for a type of tumor. only 1 out of 5 million girls get this. i guess i'm that lucky 1. yaay. sike. i also found out that i'm gonna have chemo for 6 months, loose my hair, feel shitty, blah blah. i'm scared to go to school with my hair all gone. i don't want too. people starring. ugh! it's so hard to imagine ME out of everyone else who can get this. it's so difficult to take everything in because i been so healthy. but this type of cancer comes back, and i'm scared to die. every time i go to oncology, i feel sick to my stomach. everyone is bald, & seems to be OK with it. i wonder if thats gonna be me. will i ever be OK? i doubt it. its hard listening my dad cry at night talking to himself, "i'm gonna loose my precious baby." i hate this. & wish everything could fast forward as fast as possible.

i just read my about me

that i wrote a while back. i can no longer play soccer untill i get better. i hate doing my nails now. but soccer made me have this; or not. this girl hit me, & she was on my teams. but no need to name names. i remember my ribs hurting when i laugh. then i remeber in bed it hurt like a bitch. i went to the xray people & nothing was broken, but that day it was all "swollen". i waited some days to see if it was a bruise or something; never bruised. one day in school my side was hurting me so bad. i got my mom to take me out, i went to my family doctor i went to since forever ago, and he told me to have a CTSCAN. all this was unfamiliar with me, because i was always healthy and never needed this. They found the results and my pediatrician thought it was a mass. i was rushed to the hospital that day & they all said it was a hemotomo, (fancy word for bloodclot) & it was gonna go away in a couple of weeks or a month. that wasnt the case. i had a follow up appoitment, and nothing was getting smaller. so in a week, the doctors wanted me to get a ultra sound. then a week later see the results, to see differences and stuff. but another problem occured & my mass got bigger. i had to get a MRI a week later & that was one of the worst expierences of my life. they found out it was a tumor and it could be a regular tumor or a cancerous one. i had a biospy when they take tissue from it, & it was cancerous. i stayed in the hospital for 30 hours. the one night i needed to go peee, i got dizzy and fainted. that was so scary. it took me a while till i fell asleep since the pain was unbearable. i'm home now, in pain from this incision & ready to fight my tumor. i remember the doctors saying: the worst thing that can happen is if its a tumor but the looks of her CTSCAN it just looks like a bloodclot." then i remember a month after "the worst that it can be is a tumor that is cancerous" I got THAT worst part. but the worst part about this is if i'm strong enough to fight it.